Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Mind is Set & My Body is Not

I don't usually get out much at all for a few different reasons. The main reason being I am just not physically able. It's embarrassing to me and I feel like to my husband when it takes me so long to get up from a chair or the car or to walk. I grunt and groan a lot when I sit down or get up from chair too! I try hard not to in public but sometimes it just comes out cause it hurts!

But another reason I don't like going out much is because it reminds me or confirms just how immobile I actually have become and it makes me sad. Especially when your mind is SET, it's positive and smiling and ready to take on anything! So you think maybe, just maybe, this trip will be different! Thus my experience last week. Hubby wanted to get out for day. Since we've moved we like to ride around and see where everything is and find our way around the city. I needed some more capri pants and thought I needed to try to make way into Dress Barn or Cato's and my mind was raring to go last Friday morning.

Our first stop was to eat of course which wasn't bad at all. The next stop was hubby's favorite shoe store. Always love finding parking spot right by front door as we all know the walk across the parking lot spends all our energy and doesn't save any for the shopping experience. The ladies shoes were right inside the front door so I looked over the first three aisles as my hubby goes across store to look for shoes. Here I am looking at all the pretty bling on the sandals and flip flops and thinking how nice to wear something pretty and new and then the usual symptoms begin to appear. You know, the weakness, the lightheaded feeling, sweating, aching legs, and the body is screaming "SIT DOWN"! I look across store to catch my hubby's face so I could notion to  him I was ready and wouldn't you know he wouldn't look my way. So I went across store and he was still looking so he found me a chair. Now as I walk back to the truck in the parking lot my legs begin to stiffen up so much it's hard to bend them at all. My lower back is aching and it's very hard to get up into the truck without  the severe pain in my lower back. Then my mind begins to battle with my body. The positive sunny outlook my mind had when I left home is suddenly become negative and dark. Knowing I had not made it to Dress Barn yet I am getting discouraged because I didn't want to go back home without new capri pants. So I'm thinking a drink from the Sonic and sitting a little while longer will help me rest up for the Dress Barn. As we sit at Sonic I tell hubby how these trips start off pleasant but then not only is my body in pain but emotionally I begin beating myself up. I realize how decrepit I actually have become. This is the reason I stay at home! Why do I think the next time will be different! I set myself up for failure. All these new places to shop and I can't just get out in one or two stores and look for ten minutes! But I calm down and we set off to find the Dress Barn and we do and are fortunate to pull up right to the front door.

Of course there are not chairs, no wheelchairs and lots of clothes. I browse about ten minutes and that is all I can take. I don't know about your fibromyalgia but with mine if I walk or stand for more than 10 minutes my legs feel like they are locking up. My knees ache and won't bend and my legs suddenly feel a hundred pounds each. I can't pick them up to walk or bend. I'm shuffling now slowly to get back outside and walking so slow. I feel as if I'm going to pass out before I sit down and find no capri pants! I knew I had to go to Best Buy to turn in my new cell phone that I dropped in a glass of diet Dr. Pepper in the middle of night. I had already put that trip off for two weeks.

Another front door parking space and the Geek Squad is right inside the front door so my mind is smiling again and loving all the easy access to my errands. There is a line BUT there are chairs to stand in and wait. The waiting in lines to check out brings a lot of my symptoms on too. So the line is gone and I'm up next and wouldn't you know it took about fifteen minutes to handle my claim. I leaned on the counter but it still didn't help my legs. So I'm grumbling now and find it not very easy to walk out of the store with a smile on my face because I'm in horrible pain. I'm ready to cry now. I'm discouraged and just not accepting that this FM has changed my life so much. When did a simple trip to town with three small stops turn into such a nightmare? I cannot remember the last time running to town or spending a day out caused so much stress on my emotionally and physically!

We pass by a nail salon and I've never had a pedicure in my life and now that I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm thinking I need to treat myself to make me feel better! (It can happen!) Plus the chairs in those salons massage you and so I'm actually helping myself, right? All this pain and I didn't find capri pants so I deserve something! There wasn't hardly a wait at all and then off the massage chair and someone pampering my feet. About 35 minutes later I'm refreshing again and loving life and mind is perky again so why not just go by Cato's for a quick peek?

The walk into Cato's was hard. I literally was exhausted. But I was determined to finish this trip. My hubby is so wonderful about helping me find clothes or something I need. He is there in case I feel like I'm going to pass out. The hardest part of this store was I did have to stand quite a while before checking out. I did find the perfect Easter blouse and jacket but no pants. As hubby asked me if I was ready to go home, it didn't take me any time to quickly reply yes!

Someone asked me before we moved how I was going to afford to live here when I would be spending all our money shopping for our new granddaughter. I replied then and stand by it now that it would be no problem as Fibromyalgia saves us money. If I did not have FM I would be shopping quite frequently I'm sure at all the little shops here. And so you understand that even though my mind can be positive and sunny and set to go, my body doesn't follow. And sometimes the small trips to town become depressing and remind me just how much I've changed since Fibromyalgia.

1 comment:

  1. Bless your heart, Karen! I just read your blog and am soooo sorry you're in so much pain. I'm praying for you.